I love words
I thank you for hearing my words
I want to tell you something about words that I think is important
As I say, they're my work
they're my play
they're my passion
Words are all we have, really
We have thoughts
but thoughts are fluid
y'know like, woo woo woo woo...
Then we assign a word to a thought
and we're stuck with that word for that thought
So be careful with words
I like to think that yeah
the same words that hurt
can heal
it's a matter of how you pick them
There are some people
that aren't into all the words
There are some that would have you not use certain words
Yeah, there are 400,000 words
in the English language
and there are 7 of them
that you can't say on television
What a ratio that is!
399,993...to 7
They must really be bad
They'd have to be outrageous
to be separated from a group that large
All of you, over here. But you 7, bad words!
That's what they told us they were, remember?
“That's a bad word!”
No bad words. Bad thoughts
Bad intentions, and words!
You know the 7, don't you
that you can't say on television?
Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits
Those are the heavy seven
Those are the ones that'll infect your soul
curve your spine
and keep the country from winning the war
Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. Wow!
And “tits” doesn't even belong on the list!
That's such a friendly sounding word
It sounds like a nickname
“Hey, Tits, come here, man
Hey Tits, meet Toots
Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots”
It sounds like a snack, doesn't it?
Yes, I know, it is a snack
But I don't mean your sexist snack
I mean New Nabisco Tits!
and new Cheese Tits
Corn Tits, Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits, Onion Tits
Tater Tits. “Betcha Can't Eat Just One!”
But that word does not belong on the list
Actually none of the words belong on the list
but you can understand why
some of them are there
I'm not completely insensitive to people's feelings
I can dig why some of those words got on the list
like cocksucker and motherfucker
Those are heavyweight words!
There's a lot going on there
Besides the literal translation
and the emotional feeling
I mean, they're just busy words
There's a lot of syllables to contend with
And those Ks, those are aggressive sounds
They just jump out at you like
cocksucker motherfucker cocksucker motherfucker
It's like an assault on you
So I can dig that
We mentioned shit earlier
and two of the other four-letter Anglo-Saxon words are piss and cunt
which go together of course
A little accidental humor there
The reason that piss and cunt are on the list
is because a long time ago, there were certain ladies that said
“Those are the two I am not going to say
I don't mind fuck and shit
but ‘P’ and ‘C’ are out
‘P’ and ‘C’ are out”
Which led to such stupid sentences as
“Okay you fuckers, I'm going to tinkle now”
And of course, the word fuck
I don't really, well here's more accidental humor
I don't wanna get into that now
because I think it takes too long
But I do mean that
I think the word fuck is a very important word
It's the beginning of life
yet it is a word we use to hurt one another quite often
People much wiser than I have said
“I'd rather have my son watch a film with two people making love
than two people trying to kill one another”
and I, of course, can agree
It is a great sentiment. I wish I knew who said it first
I agree with that but I like to take it a step further
I'd like to substitute the word fuck
for the word kill
in all of those movie clichés we grew up with
“Okay, Sheriff, we're gonna fuck you now
but we're gonna fuck you slow”
So maybe next year I'll have a whole fuckin' rap on the N-word
I hope so
Those are the 7 you can never say on television
under any circumstances
You just cannot say them
ever ever ever
Not even clinically
You cannot weave them in on the panel with Doc, and Ed, and Johnny
I mean, it is just impossible
Forget those 7. They're out
But there are some 2-way words
those double-meaning words
Remember the ones you giggled at in sixth grade?
“...And the cock crowed three times
Hey, the cock crowed 3 times
Ha ha ha ha
Hey, it's in the Bible. Ha ha ha ha”
There are some 2-way words
like it's okay for Curt Gowdy to say
“Roberto Clemente has 2 balls on him” but he can't say
“I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony. Don't you?
He's holding them. He must've hurt them, by God”
And the other 2-way word that goes with that one is prick
It's okay if it happens to your finger
You can prick your finger but
don't finger your prick. No, no